Mama said there would be days like this…. wait… no she didn’t!!

Mama said there would be days like this…

…. wait…. no she didnt.

Mama never said I would have a son who is almost 7 and still doesnt talk, with communication being a not-so-fun version of charades.

Mama never said I would spend my days up to my ears in bills I can’t pay, while my son w autism follows behind me shredding anything made of paper he can find and sprinkling it on the floor like confetti.

Mama never said I would feel so overwhelmed I cry.

Mama never said I would worry and worry and worry about whether my child will ever lead an independent life — and if not who will care for him when I am gone.

Mama never said my house would be a total disaster zone that I dread coming home to – with a mess that no matter how hard I work never seems to get clean.

Mama never said I would cry the whole way home from dropping my son off at school because the lady from the Project Lifesaver program (that provides a GPS tracker for my son in case he wanders off) called and scolded me – AGAIN – for the fact that my son has lingering anxiety from the dentist appointment from hell and now won’t wear his GPS anklet. She tells me how important it is that he wears it and it takes every bit of strength I have to not respond to her with “NO SHIT!!!!  I’M THE ONE WHO CALLED YOU!! I’M HIS MOM!! OF COURSE I KNOW IT’S IMPORTANT TO FIND HIM IF HE WANDERS OFF!!!!!!!!!”

Mama never said I would spend my days in such a constant state of panic and worry and stress that I chase away friends because I snap at them or I’m just no fun because I’m so stressed and tired.

Mama never said I would feel so alone as an Autism Mommy.

Mama never said the family would ignore my child if he has special needs and exclude him from family events, forget his birthday, etc. and not take a moment to try to understand him.

Mama never said my life would completely revolve around autism, stimming, ABA, OT, OCD, ADD, SPD, and that I would always feel like I’m not doing a good enough job combating the problems my children have.

Mama never said it would be this lonely. And stressful. And exhausting. And lonely… I feel so alone… did I mention I am lonely? 😛

Mama never said I would spend a large portion of my time scrubbing shit off of walls after my son smeared it all over — AGAIN!!!

Mama never said I would have to chase after my almost 7 yr old as if he were a toddler because he still has no concept of danger and will dump a pot of boiling water on his head, run in front of a car, eat anything he sees (as long as it’s not food), jump off a balcony, wander out of the house … any dangerous situation you can imagine is one he will enter.

Mama never said my daughter’s teacher, cheerleading coach, girl scout leader, and friend’s moms would think I am a flaky reject mom and give me attitude when we are late or forget something or show up with half of what we should have. Seems it’s just a matter of time before they grow sick of the constant “sorry, I have my son to take care of so I can’t drive her – can you give her a ride?” or “sorry her brother shredded her homework again” or “sorry, I thought I already did that – I must have gotten side tracked and never finished” or “sorry we are late – I couldn’t get my son in the car”

Mama never said I would take my son to the dentist and it would result in a 6 week period when he was so crippled by anxiety that he wouldn’t wear clothes, ride in a car, or let me touch him or hold him.

Mama never said any of that stuff!!

Sorry for the negativity today – we all have our moments. I don’t know what it is with me today – but I am just completely exhausted and want to crawl under a rock and hide there all week.

But I will instead try to stay positive. And focus on all of the joy my kids bring me 🙂 And try to ignore the mess that never gets clean and take these few moments when both kids are at school and spend them on myself. We all need a day off – or half a day at least. Sorry for the Moody Monday post – have a great day everyone 🙂

November 2011